Friday, May 20, 2016

A Sense of Sudden Loss But Suede Still Walks

Once upon a mild spring day some time ago, I thought of all the possibilities I might end up with this. Not this of now, but this of something else. Perhaps you don’t follow. As I watch, middle aged, all the possibilities fall apart, I realize that they never occurred. In honesty I didn’t believe that the impossible might arrive, but I thought maybe because I see others with the program, I too might stumble upon it one day.

It just was never quite as it should have been.  Young I was quite trained to make sure that others thought the road I walked was paved with ingots, and I spoon fed what people, even though they didn’t want to see the bitter future looming, the aversion they so delighted in, as a magical vanilla essence mirrored in my adolescent eyes and beamed upon them.

As I sit in an environment, privileged to spy and be addressed to by a smile and a concerned eye, that never happened to be the core of my intimate life, I realize even more that my molecules do not and will not take a bite out of that confection. 

We are fed so many unscientific meals, we believe in the unproven.  “I need something warm,” she said having discovered she’d developed food poisoning. “Coffee,” she exclaimed. I don’t know about all you other westerners but we’ve been told coffee is a diuretic substance and unless we needed to shed bloat and puff to get into an Oscar gown, so it’s the last thing to cure diarrhea. By warm, my Asian friend referred to the hot and cold, yin and yang, properties of food.  

These labels, do we need them? I read through some novel ideas that formed a theory about my past years, and I could have applied a new label to me, something to defer some questions and uncertainties and explain the future.  It wouldn’t change who I am, all those lies ago, and today I passed on the opportunity.  How about less drama?

Let me tell you instead
A pair of red shoes
At the bus driver’s side
Toes wedged next to the partition
(While at the concert......
No no it’s not right
I’m listening to a damn rottened score)
Go back and visualize
You must see
The red shoes
Under the navy blue trousers
Soft folds enhancing the ass
Murmuring to the chauffeur
Scarlet suede on the 63
Then let me say
Corner of Rue Monge
(The noise is killing me
The pianist leans too heavy)
I prefer watching red shoes
Listening for soft leather
Seduce the bus driver
All the passengers also
Longing to get off the route
And me out of this hall

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